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I recently spoke with Joe about the book, and I wanted to share a few of his thoughts below. Number two is that I wanted to write this book for the men themselves, because they’re usually very confused. And I think it’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am saying that most of the time these men who are being sexual with other men aren’t gay. First off, I want to know if the man had any “youthful noticing.” Was he noticing other males in a sexual way when he was young? A lot of the time they didn’t know what to call it, but they knew that they had an attraction to men – the locker room, the boy scouts or wherever. I’m looking at your boyfriend, so get out of the way. When a man is in a long-term relationship with a woman but being sexual with men, either looking at porn or having actual sex, he either will or won’t be homophobic.
A lot of the time these men come in on their own and they’re holding my book about coming out as gay, and they want to know, “Is this me? That’s unusual, because most gay men, even most gay therapists, believe that if a guy is having gay sex, he’s gay. With gay clients, they say they feel the same way; with bisexual clients, they say they’re looking at both the men and the women; with straight clients, they say they’re looking only at the women. Interestingly, it’s the gay men who are homophobic.
This population is the focus of his new and much needed book: .
I am pleased that Joe has written this book, as I have had to deal with these questions in my own practice relatively often, as have many other therapists. Number one is the high incidence of male-female couples entering my office because the woman thinks her man might be gay. He’s actually straight, but for whatever reason he’s been looking at gay porn or he’s been having sex with men. I should probably state up-front that these questions are based on my clinical experience, not on any scientific research, but I’ve been doing this for a very long time and I can assure you that these questions are definitely on-point. I also use what I call the “beach test.” I always joke with clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walking on the beach and checking people out, the women are in the way.
Maybe it would be good if therapists informed clients of that option as standard practice, just so they know it works for some guys who want to return to the sexual tastes they had earlier in their lives.
I'm a straight man but I found this article interesting.
Joe Kort has been treating and writing about gender and sexual orientation issues for nearly three decades.
In his Royal Oaks, MI practice, Joe specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relationship Therapy, often treating men who are questioning their sexual orientation.
The reason is that the guy really is gay and he wants to express that sexually and romantically. Some guys are mostly heterosexual, and the marriage has a better chance in those cases.
The women feel differently, of course, but the men only see that once their behavior is uncovered and they’re confronted.
That said, I do see a lot of couples where the woman says she’s OK with the man continuing his behavior, as long as it’s only with other men.
These are his issues, not hers, even though they can and usually do affect her and her relationship rather profoundly.
Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is Senior Vice President of Clinical Development with Elements Behavioral Health. An author and subject expert on the relationship between digital technology and human sexuality, he has served as a media specialist for CNN, The Oprah Winfrey Network, the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and the Today Show, among others. your interviewee has noticed that when straight MSMs quit porn they often lose their taste for MSM? For some guys, it's just one more porn-induced fetish that fades after they quit porn.